Boardwalk Burgers & Fries

Cockeysville, Maryland ↑N

I stopped by this place one day after work because I was starving and I had heard good things about the place from co-workers. I had heard especially good things about their fries: supposedly, they were to die for. Since it was on my way home, I hopped in.

My first impressions were favorable. The place was clean, well-lit and had plenty of open seating (it was just after 5:00 p.m.). And the cashier was friendly and helpful. When I ordered a burger, she asked what I wanted on it. I was a bit taken aback: I'd never been asked to specify what I wanted on my burger anywhere else. She immediately pointed to a laminated list right there next to her register. A list had each optional ingredient printed in large, colorful, friendly letters. I went down the list and specified what I wanted. I saw some toppings that I'd never seen before for burgers, but was pleased to see (such as hot sauce and jalapeño peppers). This being my first time at this joint, I decided to take it easy, and stuck with the standard mayo, ketchup, mustard, etc.

I was also pleased at their soda selection. They only had one size! Since they have a serve yourself fountain, why bother with different sizes? You can always refill your cup no matter what size you get. What a great idea! Why don't more fast food joints adopt this philosophy? The size they have (I don't know how many ounces it was) is equivalent to what McDonald's used to call a large, but what I think now most places call a medium.

Next, I had to wait for my food. And wait, and wait. I couldn't understand why it took so long since I was one of a half-dozen people in the store, half of whom were already eating. But I figured, I was waiting for something good, so I shouldn't be skeptical. Luckily, I got my beverage cup immediately after paying (a little over $8 for a cheeseburger, fries and a soda), so I had something to do. That didn't take long (but, yay!, they have Caffeine-free Diet Coke!). Luckily I also brought a book. Between five and ten minutes later, my order was ready. It came in a bag, despite the fact that I was eating it there (I didn't care—who needs a fancy tray?). Everyone gets their order in bags—they don't have a "for here" philosophy. It's probably in keeping with their "Boardwalk" heritage. But like I said, this was a non-issue for me.

I sampled the fries. Coming in a paper cup, excess fries spilled across the top of my burger in the bottom of bag. So they weren't skimpy with the fries. Dipped in ketchup, they weren't bad. But they weren't great. They were just okay. And they were fresh, hot out of the grease.

Then I unwrapped the burger. It sure didn't look spectacular. It looked a lot like a burger I might get from any other burger joint. And what was that green stuff sticking out from under the bun? Shredded lettuce? Who said I wanted shredded lettuce? There was no option for any types of lettuce, just "lettuce". And it was iceberg lettuce, the most nutritionally deficient type of lettuce available (okay, I'm talking about a burger here, so I'm not reviewing health food, but still, you gotta get nutrition where you can find it). Everyone knows that any halfway decent hamburger should have a nice, whole hunk of green-leaf lettuce. But this is strictly a matter of opinion, I know. That's the way I build burgers. Still, I was going to give it a fair shot. It was time for the gullet test.

Biting into the burger was not a completely pleasant experience. It was too mushy. It was too squishy. It wasn't firm. All the ingredients were too mushed up together somehow. And there was one ingredient that was much too liberally applied: mayonnaise. The burger was soaked with mayonnaise! Mayo is a condiment, and one that should be used sparingly. They applied it like it was the main event! The rest of the mastication was an unpleasant affair. I was unable to relish the other ingredients, because everything was overpowered with the mayo.

About halfway through, I just decided to take the thing apart and eat the innards: maybe that way I could avoid the overpowering mayo. Dissecting the burger, I noticed another strike against them: the onions were chopped! Anyone knows that a burger needs complete onion rings (not the deep fried suckers). Complete rings of purple onions are the only real acceptable onion condiment for a burger. While the onion looked purple, it was chopped up into dime-sized bits, swimming in the mayo.

After scraping off the mayo, I cut up the meat into bite-size bits, and noticed for the first time that it actually had two patties. They were so oversized by the bun and overpowered by the mayo that I couldn't tell before. I don't know how to judge the quality of meat, so I may be generous here. It wasn't great, it was just okay. Without all the other gop and bun, it tasted pretty much like one would expect: it was cooked ground beef.

I much prefer burgers that I cook myself at home. And this is saying quite a bit, because I am the world's worst barbequer. Really, I suck. But I know how to cook a burger and—more importantly—dress it. Boardwalk burgers seem to be made by dropouts from the School of Really Gross Burgers. To be fair, I only ate at the one location once. But after going once, I don't want to go back. If you're really hungry and just want something to put in your stomach, these burgers might suit you fine. But if you want a quality burger, something that you can actually relish, head to Red Robin or another "gourmet" burger place, 'cause you won't find it here.

External links

• Boardwalk Burgers & Fries official website